My A-HA Moment

**Expletives in this post**

I have spent my entire life trying to ignore the harmful, negative, evil experiences that have occurred. It took me until about five years ago to accept my anxiety and panic attacks, even though I have dealt with them since early childhood. And to boot, I’ve been in and out of therapy trying to figure out why! I kept thinking that my life was normal, so why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I go through life without anxiety or panic? Seriously, completely denying my entire existence and trying to be someone I wasn’t.

It has been very freeing embracing who I truly am. I had my A-HA moment just a few short weeks ago when I read a book by Dorris Burch called “The Little Black Book of Being Fabulous: Who is this woman who can be self-aware, confident and yet hold a powerful presence?” I had no idea what an impact this book would make in my life! I just thought it would be an interesting read. After all, I had seen in the reviews that it was a quick read and a good book. In a nutshell, my A-HA moment came when I was reading how I was living my life small, trying to please others and be who they wanted me to be. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I AM LIVING MY LIFE SMALL! I was seriously trying not to rock the boat, bring attention to myself, or upset others. Instead, I would make sure everyone around me was happy, trying to control my environment. The next moment I was like “FUCK THAT!” I need to quit living life small, accept who I am and that includes ALL my experiences.

Now I know that this change is going to come with some people liking me, loving me, or leaving me. I know that because of my changes internally, it is going to upset the apple cart for some people. I am okay with that. I have spent my entire life being a people pleaser. I am 50 years old, about to be 51 in a couple of months, and it’s time I start living for me. I am way too young to live a life less than full, and I have a lot more life to live and enjoy. I am feeling empowered, strong, courageous, and if I am being truly honest, a bit scared. I am writing this book about my life journey so that others can see that whatever shit life throws at you, you CAN OVERCOME, TRANSCEND, ARISE OUT OF THE ASHES, and be nothing less than the Stellar You, You Are Meant To Be! This is exactly how I am feeling about my life now. I know it is still sticky, messy, emotional, and trying at times. But you know what? I’ve been through worse! A lot worse! AND I’M HERE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT! I AM A BADASS SURVIVOR!

Since I had my A-HA moment, I’ve only had to take Xanax twice for my anxiety, and I am pretty sure one of those was instigated from caffeine! You see, letting go of who I am not has freed me to be me. Hey, I guess that is cliché “FREE TO BE ME”, but whatever! LOL! J  In all seriousness, my anxiety is pretty gone! I can hardly believe it myself. I honestly believe that being my true self, owning my life and my life’s truth, is the Kryptonite to my anxiety.

As I write this I am crying. I’m crying because I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much of my life ignoring myself, and at the same time I am so happy to have found this for myself and I want others to find it as well! I encourage you to embrace your true self, to stop living life small if that is what you are doing. You are not helping anyone by living that way and certainly not helping yourself. Trust me, Darling, you are worth living the full you experience!

Hugs & Kisses

XO